Defying Reality
by Deranged Little Monkey
Summary: If you take any part of this story seriously, then you fail at life.
1. Chapter 1

Hermione Granger sat on her bed crying and occasionally wailing, "WHY ME?!" She held a crumpled parchment in one hand that was the cause of this odd behavior. It was a letter from the Ministry of Magic informing her that a marriage law had been passed and she had to be married to another wizard within a week and gave a list of eligible and more than willing bachelors. Apparently no one in the government was bothered by the fact that the marriage law was a gross abuse of power and violated the rights of the people involved. The reasons for said law were vague: something to do with inbred purebloods, saving the world from Voldemort, and resolving issues between purebloods and the rest of the wizard population. It neglected to mention how the marriage law would solve these issues, but no one seemed to have a problem with that.

Hermione was the only Hogwarts student affected by this law; for some clichéd reason or another, she was older than all her classmates. After about five minutes of despair and wishing she was dead, Hermione got over it and started browsing the list of suitors.

_Remus Lupin… Boring! Sirius Black. Wouldn't that be necrophilia? Hmmm… I could've sworn Crabbes and Goyle were gay. Draco Malfoy? I knew he always wanted me! Who else? What the… Lucius Malfoy? But he's married! Hey, Tonks is a girl! That's not even legal in England! _

Eventually, Hermione chose to marry Professor Snape, despite the fact that he shouldn't have been on the list because he's half-blood. She didn't particularly like him - in fact, she hated the man – but after dismissing all her other options she didn't leave herself with any other choice. Actually, she could refuse to marry and start protests and rant about her rights, but that would be too in character. This is fan fiction.

--

Meanwhile, Harry Potter was in the bathroom throwing up. This was becoming a regular thing; every morning for the last week he had made a mad dash from his bed to the nearest toilet and hurled his guts out (not literally). At first he'd thought nothing of it. Maybe he'd eaten something that disagreed with him, or he'd gotten the flu, or something equally logical. But now Harry was forced to face the ridiculous truth: he was pregnant.

He'd been having a steamy love affair with Draco Malfoy. He hated the arrogant git and Draco despised everything about Harry (not to mention they were both straight), but that didn't stop them from doing naughty things in the room of Requirements every Saturday night. They never used protection because they had thought that men couldn't get pregnant. But apparently Harry had some ovaries hidden up his ass, because now there was a Potter-Malfoy crossbreed growing somewhere inside of him.

Harry crouched next to the toilet and pondered. He was not pondering about how exactly this was physically possible; he was pondering the ways he could inform his blond lover-boy about the current situation. And he couldn't come up with anything believable.


	2. Chapter 2

"Draco!"

The blond turned around at the sound of his name and found Harry running down the hall towards him. "Harry," he hissed, "We're enemies in public. Get lost!"

"Draco," He repeated, trying to catch is breath. "It's an emergency!"

Draco was getting annoyed. "I don't have time to solve all your little dramas. Now leave before someone sees us!"

Harry stared at him for a moment, then burst into tears. Draco sighed and gave him an awkward pat on the back. "It's alright," he muttered, trying to comfort him so he'd shut up and leave.

Eventually Harry pulled himself together and stopped crying, much to Draco's relief. He was still sniffling occasionally, which caused his secret lover to roll his eyes. Then, despite Harry's obvious distress, he ventured to ask, "So, are we still on for Saturday night?"

Harry immediately began sobbing again. "Draco, I'm pregnant!"

There was a long, awkward silence. Harry threw himself into Draco's arms and cried. Draco stood perfectly still, unable to react in any way. He couldn't believe it. After a few minutes he remembered to blink and breathe and whatever else one should never forget to do. "Are you serious?"

"Yes!" Harry wailed.

"No, really, are you serious?" Draco shoved him off. "You're a male. You have NO OVARIES. You can't get pregnant."

Harry stared at Draco in shock. "I…I can't believe you're doing this to me," he said. "You said you loved me!"

"I never said that!"

Yes you did. Last week before we-"

"I just said that so you'd agree to do it!" Draco yelled.

Harry looked at him, eyes watering and lips quivering. "Fine," he whispered. The he turned and walked away from Draco and into his new life as a single father.

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Hermione twirled around in front of the full-length mirror in her room, admiring her wedding gown that she had kept in her closet for the last ten years just in case of a situation like this. It had far too much lace and excessive amounts of frills and bows, but Hermione loved it.

"I'm so happy!" she squealed to the empty room, suddenly in love with the potions teacher she had despised only ten minutes ago. The forced marriage had seemed like a terrible thing at first, but the more she thought about it, the more she liked the idea. She was even starting to accept and look forward to the mandatory pregnancy that was required to occur within a month.

Though she had spent most of her life as an independent, self-reliant person, she now wanted nothing more than to take care of her future children while Snape- no, she would refer to him as Severus from now on- provided the income and took care of her. She was convinced that he would be a perfect father who would adore his soon-to-be bride and soon-to-be-conceived children.

Dumbledore had agreed to marry them (apparently his mysterious past included priesthood) while McGonagall would give the bride away in place of Hermione's father (just don't ask). The wedding would take place on Hogwarts grounds in front of the Whomping Willow in two days. The wedding invitations had been sent out and everything was prepared in record time. The only thing left to do was to inform the groom that he was getting married.


	3. Chapter 3

Severous Snape was not a happy man. He hated society in general, especially teenagers and children. Since he was a school teacher, this put him in a constant state of anger. Much of the student body didn't believe this was the only reason for his disposition, though, and many rumors and theories had spread (which added to Snape's displeasure). Some thought he was scared to come out of the closet and frustrated by his unsatisfied needs. Others simply thought he was constantly constipated.

Perhaps it was his foul disposition that caused his extreme reaction to the news of his engagement. That or the fact that he hated Hermione with a passion. It didn't help that he was told that Ron Weasley was to be his best man.

"WHAT?" he yelled as he leapt out of his seat (knocking several potions to the floor in the process).

"Umm… Er…" Dobby, the unlucky bearer of the news, stammered. "You're to…" he gulped audibly, "…to marry miss Her-Hermione Granger tomorrow at- at three-o'clock t-tomorrow afternoon."

"GET OUT!" Snape roared at the house elf. Dobby didn't need to be told twice. He was gone in half a second.

For a few hours after that everyone kept a safe distance from Snape's rooms. The sound of him screaming in rage and throwing things against the wall was an obvious indicator that he did not want to be disturbed.

--

Harry sat in a dark corner somewhere in Hogwarts and wept. He'd never felt so alone and helpless. He had two best friends who would be by his side no matter what, but they didn't count. There were teachers and members of the Order who would help him, but that was also beside the point. Harry was all alone and couldn't do anything for himself. Don't question it.

From down the hall, Harry heard laughter. He glared at the floor, suddenly angry at the fact that other people could be happy while this was happening to him.

"I can't believe it worked, George!" Fred's voice echoed down the corridor.

"I know!" George replied. "We're geniuses! We're quite possibly the most brilliant men alive!"

"I doubt anyone else has pulled off something like this before," Fred agreed. They laughed again.

George sobered up a bit. "You know," he said, "we'll have to undo this before it gets out of hand."

"We'll have to do it soon. Preferably before Snape and Hermione get married."

Harry stifled a gasp. He hadn't heard of Hermione's situation, and the fact that the Weasley twins were behind it was shocking.

"Have you checked up on Harry yet?" George asked.

"No. I'm sure he'll be fine. It shouldn't be that strong a spell. He'll snap out of it soon, if he hasn't already."

"It didn't work like it was supposed to. We were supposed to get Draco, not Harry." George said.

Fred shrugged it off. "Harry's a smart lad. There's no way he'll be convinced that he's pregnant for more than a few minutes, if at all. He knows as well as anyone that it's impossible for a guy to have a baby."

"I don't understand where we went wrong," George said. "We put the potion in Harry's drink, not Draco's. And I've heard that Snape's not happy about the marriage."

"What?" Fred frowned. "I told Lee Jordan to give Snape the love potion."

Their voices faded as they walked away from Harry's corner. He sat in a daze, unable to wrap his mind around this sudden turn of events.


	4. Chapter 4

A somewhat puzzled yet morbidly curious crowd of Hogwarts students and teachers gathered a safe distance from the Whomping Willow, gaping at the sight before them. The scene that was unfolding in front of them was what can be described as a shotgun wedding. A scowling Professor Snape stood before a beaming Dumbledore, who happened to be pointing his wand at the groom's head while holding a Bible in the other hand. Snape was looking all snazzy in a purple suit that the headmaster had provided for him, as the potions master lacked in wedding-appropriate garments.

Hermione then entered the scene, McGonagall at her side. The crowd parted for the blushing bride, whose dress was so covered in lace and bows that it weighed Hermione down a bit.

Just then, one of the spectators noticed an odd sight and felt the need to yell about it to the whole crowd. "Look!" cried the anonymous viewer. "Is that Harry running towards us screaming and waving his arms?"

"Maybe he's trying to fly," someone suggested.

"It does look a little like he's flapping his arms," said another person.

Harry's voice became audible as he came closer. "Stop the wedding!" he shrieked. "Stop the wedding!"

Finally Harry reached the crowd and stopped to catch his breath.

"The wedding-" he panted. "A hoax-"

"What? What did he say?" demanded Hermione, furious that anyone would question the love she and Snape shared.

Harry continued between gasps, "A love potion (pant pant) given to Hermione- (gasp wheeze) whole thing a prank (gasp) by Fred 'n George (wheeze, collapse)".

"WHAT!" shrieked Hermione as she and turned to the Weasley twins.

"It was just a joke, but everything went wrong!" cried George.

"We gave a potion to Snape to embarrass him but somehow Hermione got it and then the government said that everyone needs to get married and we didn't mean to make a wedding!" Fred said all in one breath. The crowd gasped in unison.

"There's more!" said Harry, who had caught his breath. "You put a spell on me, too, to make me think I'm pregnant with Draco's baby!" There was a long silence, interrupted by a few snickers and giggles. Harry blushed, wishing he hadn't said anything.

George grinned. "Yeah, that would've been perfect if we'd gotten Draco like we intended."

"Wait a second," said Fred. "Why did you think it was Draco's baby?"

Harry glanced at Draco (who was in the crowd), then they both looked at the ground awkwardly.

"Harry!" Ron said, appalled.

"Draco, Harry, have you been having sexual relations?" Dumbledore asked. He was answered only by the laughter of the other Hogwarts students. The two boys stood in silence, then Harry ran off crying.

Draco found everyone's full attention on him. Completely at a loss for anything to say, he shrugged and stated, "Don't mind Harry. He's hormonal right now because of the pregnancy."

--

Author's Note: I wrote this in a very short amount of time and couldn't think of a good way to end it. But at least I actually finished after a long, long, llooonnngg time.


End file.
